beth:
i don’t wanna hurt anymore. i don’t wanna hurt others by being hurt anymore. i just don’t want to.
the only reason humans don’t kill themselves en masse is bc we are distractable. literally the only reason. “go to sleep, you’ll feel better in the morning” is cruel in its accuracy. yes I do “feel better” in the morning and how annoying is that, that 8 hours ago all the transcendent reasons to terminate my existence were clear as day and now with some sleep my brain has stuffed them into the back of a drawer so I can continue plodding on and what was I so upset about anyway? time makes all commitments and resolves stale. if I could sustain awareness for more than 5 minutes I would’ve checked out a long time ago, but instead I operate in a twilight state, awake enough to be cognizant of this misery factory we call life but never so much as to do something about it. actually it’s laughable. like: I want to exit the only thing I’ve ever known, want to exit this plane of existence despite having absolutely no idea what comes after if anything, but first let me check my phone. do you know what I mean? do you know what I mean? do you know what I mean? do you know what I mean?
i’m always self destructing. if i’m not cutting, i’m starving myself, or overeating, or triggering myself, self sabotaging, self medicating. i feel like someone is angry at me?? time to punish myself. i said something stupid 5 hours earlier? time to fucking punish myself because it’s my fault i’m never getting better
the worst type of men are the ones that consider eating meat a personality trait
also there’s a direct correlation between how much a man thinks being vegetarian / vegan is stupid and how fragile his masculinity is
